Sincerely
by smallpaperstars
Summary: An outlet for Lily/James bashing each other, eventual fluff, and sarcastic wit in the form of letters
1. Chapter 1

Well, I must say it's lovely to meet you. This is just a little drabble I dreamed up about James and Lily. I loved what little we saw of their relationship of the books, and this is just my interpretation of it. It's the letters they write back and forth over the summer, starting at Year One

Evans,

GIVE ME BACK MY CHUDLEY CANNONS HAT! THIS ISN'T FUNNY! I NEED IT FOR THE GAME THIS WEEKEND!

Also, did you do the homework for Binns yet?

From,

The most incredible guy in first year (aka James)

P.S. My mum says that isn't the proper way to write to a girl and I need to rewrite this.

Dearest darlingest Evansy hon,

Please oh please could you give me back my Chudley Cannons hat? Pretty please with a cherry on top? I do so need it for this game. I would be forever in your deepest debt if you would please give back my hat, sweet, sweet Evans.

Also, did you already do the homework for Binns? Of course you did, since you are the _kindest, calmest, most sweetly dispositioned_ girl in first year.

Sincerely,

The guy who always pales in comparison to your wonderful awesomeness

P.P.S. In case you didn't notice, this was slightly sarcastic.

Potter,

I will give you back your stupid hat when you apologize for doing what you did to Sev. It was cruel and unnecessary, and I seriously considered hexing you into some sort of reptilian creature until I realized you already WERE one.

I didn't do the homework for Binns yet, because my mum grounded me for a letter Sprout sent about me being a disruption in class. Which is completely YOUR fault. You were making fun of me (again!) and I lost control and threw a Venomous Tentacula at you, and it was just bad luck that it happened to hit Frank Longbottom instead.

From,

The girl who would like to throw something considerably more substantial than a plant at you.

And P.S. I know bloody well what sarcasm is.

Funny? Stupid? Let me know! Those little notifications just make my day…along with chocolate bars.


	2. Chapter 2: Manticore Venom?

**No reviews? Hang on, let me go cry in the corner. Okay. I'm done:) I'll upload regardless! This is just for fun! Lets me exercise my rapier-sharp sarcastic wit. Cough * sarcasm * cough. **

Evans,

I'm not apologizing to that slimeball Snivellus even if I never get my hat back! He's a dirty little git who likes to skulk around and poison the pumpkin juice of fine, upstanding Gryffindors like Sirius and myself. Besides, getting revenge on him lets me exercise my creativity. Who are you to restrict my creativity? It's a free freaking country. As far as what I did to Sir McGitster, I bet you especially loved the bit where he ran amuck spouting limericks about the depth of his love for you. That charm of mine took particular skill and a few false starts (thank Merlin we tested it on Peter first!)

Sincerely,

YCSHWHOIOWJP (You Can't Spell Hogwarts Without Hot Or In Other Words James Potter)

Potter,

I'd suggest you help the dictionary clean up its vomit, because that's what that word under 'sincerely' looks like.

And you know what? No apology necessary. Here's your hat.

As for what you said about Sev in your last letter, I asked him to please clarify. He assured me it wasn't poison he put in your pumpkin juice. It was a powerful laxative. So that's what was all over your trousers - It wasn't wild manticore venom after all (not that I believed you had wrestled one in the first place or anything!).

In regards to the nasty trick you played on Sev, I'll be the first to tell you, I enjoyed the one I'm playing on you currently far more. Can't figure it out? Better put your thinking cap on for that one!

by the way, what you call creativity, I call something I can't include in writing.

Sincerely,

ITHOWSYMBTH (I Think Hog or Wart Suits You Much Better Than Hot) You'll notice both of those words are in Hogwarts as well.

**Fun fun. And hey, guys, reviews are never turned away at my doorstep so leave 'em here! :)**


	3. Chapter 3: Hats and Hexes

**Wow thanks for all the reviews :) Glad you all liked it, and happy spring break! Sorry this is so short but I'm on vacation and haven't had much time to write. I've been busy chasing the sunshine and easter bunnies.**

Evans,

Thinking cap, huh? That was clever. Really, whatever hex you put on my Chudley Cannons hat was pretty effective. My nose still isnt attached. You're going to have to teach me that one.

Oh, by the way, Sirius sends his regards. He's reading over my shoulder right now to make sure I don't write anything bad about him. SIRIUS IS A SON OF A SNITCH WITH HIS MOUTH FULL OF

Lily I love you more than life itself. I can't hold it in any longer. I think you're beautiful and your red hair really gets me going and my head is fat and I like to eat dirt.

Lovey Dovey,

Jamesies

EVANS,

Just wanted to clarify that was Sirius who wrote that last bit. He sent it off before I could rip it off. So I gave him my Chudley Cannons hat. He's currently rolling about my house, sans nose, and yelling things I've never heard before.

Sincerely,

If it's between Hog and Warts, I'd go with hogs, they're far sexier.

Potter,

Thanks! Wish I could take credit for the hex (although of course I can't do any magic over the summer) but I had my friend Marlene's mum do it. They're staying with us for a couple weeks for some time out of the house (her dad's an Auror and her house is under constant Ministry protection), and we had a nice chat about what a toerag you are. Good job hexing Sirius. I've suffered the temptation to do that myself quite often. And to you as well.

Sincerely,

I think toerag may be the nicest name I've ever called you...

**Thanks to DreamingDementor (love your name btw) **

**TamariChan: Thanks! Obviously I do too :)**

**Beautiful Messenger: Thanks for taking the time, even though this isn't your cup of tea! Your profile pic is awesome.**

**Kate Pendragon: Thanks for the inspiration!**

**Rose Diamund: I'm...I'm cute? Oh pshaw. Thanks :D**

**Hermione Fowl: That's great advice, thank you!**

**Icanhazjoy: Ooh, a bravo. I feel so culturally immersed :D**


	4. Chapter 4: Bestieesties

**Hey, kids? Sunburns are no fun. Speaking from experience. Wear your sunscreen, listen to your mom, and don't eat yellow snow.**

**Anyways. I really had fun writing this. Enjoy!**

Evans,

Marlene McKinnon is at your house? Give her Sirius's undying love for me, please. I didn't know her dad worked for the Ministry. My dad does as well, he's an Auror. Maybe they should have an office party. Maybe my dad will take me, and maybe Marlene's mum will take Marlene and you. I bet under the right circumstances you're quite the party animal (redheads always are). We would probably have an awesome time and become bestie-esties and tell each other our deepest secrets and have those friendship necklaces that form a heart when they're put together. Just in case of that eventuality, I bought a friendship necklace for us. I took the half that says "best", because I am, and sent the other half to you. You're required to wear it every day of second year.

Don't tell Sirius you're my new best friend. Poor chap would probably curl up into the fetal position and cry his eyes out to the croonings of Celine Dion.

Sincerely,

Your bestie-estie

Potter,

Guess what, I recognized that as sarcasm too. Aren't you proud of me? (That was sarcastic as well.)

I hope you realize just how girly that last letter sounded. Wanting to hear my secrets, wanting to throw a party, and buying jewelry. Speaking of which, half of a certain necklace is currently hanging out with the rubbish in my rubbish bin.

But maybe I will tell Sirius I'm your new best friend. Not that we ever would be in a million years, but I could tell him in the middle of breakfast...then he could curl up into the fetal position and cry his eyes out while listening to Celine Dion right in front of everyone, and Sev and I would have our revenge for last year. (I always pegged Black as a closet Celine fan! I bet he sings "My Heart Will Go On" when he feels scared and lonely at night.)

Anyways, Marlene says to tell Sirius she can't return his love until he promises never to change her hair orange again. Or turn her eyes red. Or her skin green. Or lengthen her nose hair.

Sincerely,

You do have good taste in jewelry though. I'm almost sorry I threw it away.

**Yeah, it's short, so sue me :). I have a painful sunburn and am going to go put some aloe on it, so sue me all you want, just don't take my aloe!**

**Many, many, multitudinous thanks go to: .: Thanks! You're so nice :D And I love your name! **

**Skinnerbox27: The answer is yes! Yes a million times :)**

**DreamingDementor: Oh gosh oh golly (blushes) :) Thanks! **


	5. Chapter 5: Ex Best Friends

**Thanks for all the sympathies for my sunburn, duckies. Mercifully it's gone, and I'm back home along with piles of homework :( Frankly I'd rather take the sunburn back...**

**Another short chappie :) Lily seems rather harsh, but then James is rather a butthole. I've had a few reviewsies commenting on the lack of romance – well, they're only eleven at this point and probably still worried about cooties. The romance will come in dollops eventually. Scout's honor :D**

Evans,

Forget Sirius, I'M the one who's curling up in the fetal position and crying my eyes out and cranking up the Celine Dion. First you call me girly, then you refuse my friendship necklace? That cut me real deep. My heart just broke. And no, I'm not talking about the heart-shaped necklace. You didn't even have the decency to send your half back, and it cost me a Knut. I could have bought some Cockroach Clusters with that Knut. Disgusting they may be, but I bet they're nicer than you. Heartless scalawag. Excuse me while I go find a convenient corner to curl up in.

Sirius says to tell Marlene that though his love for her is bigger than Rubeus Hagrid, his love of making people look like idiots is far greater. And speaking of making people look like idiots...last letter you mentioned a certain prank we played on darling Snivellus? Jog my memory on that one, please. We played far too many pranks on him for me to remember which one you're talking about.

Sincerely,

Your-ex-best-friend

Potter,

I'd say I'm sorry for causing you such angst, but since you're obviously just making fun of me again I won't bother. Really, where is the thrill in making fun of me? You're so weird.

I meant the prank where you slipped the pegasus vomit into Sev's Hiccuping Solution during Double Potions. I still can't believe you got away with that. It was humiliating for Sev and immature of you. I'd have cursed you to kingdom come, but Sev convinced me to wait. We've been making plans to get you back for that all summer, because he's my REAL best friend.

Marlene says to tell Sirius: Sirius is good at making others look like idiots, but he obviously practices on himself. (I'd like to substitute the name 'Sirius' for 'James'.)

Sincerely,

When in the name of Merlin's hangnail were we ever 'bestie-esties' to begin with? Much less 'ex-best-friends'?

P.S. Quit calling him Snivellus.

**Thanks to my (nine!) reviews! You guys are my favorite fandom in all the world. Potterheads FTW!**

**Go. Marauders. And. Lily.: My deepest apologies, I thanked you in my last chapter and for some reason it didn't show up. (Bangs computer). So thanks ever so much – times two :D**

**DreamingDementor: Yes! Stop the Celine-Dion-fan-bullying madness! These people deserve love and understanding! And sunburns are the devil :/ My sympathies.**

**Jack Morgan Carachnor (or any variation thereof) Yee haw, three reviews? I feel the virtual support thanks :D**

**kate882: Will do!**

**BittyKitty: Wins the award for one of my top favorite reviews :) I'm a sucker for niceness.**

**Lady Elizabeth of New York: Hell and high water won't stop me from writing into their seventh year! Unless you guys beg me to stop... :)**

**whatdotheydream: Yeah! JiLy for the win!**


	6. Chapter 6: Fluffy Bunnies

**Well. It's certainly been a while. Since I don't want to get into why I was really gone (finals and championships and other such nonsense) let's just say I took a trip aboard the TARDIS. Yes! I recently converted to Doctor Who! Where has he been all my life?**

Evans,

Oh, reminiscence. I'd forgotten that particular scrap of skullduggery. Pegasus vomit – I'm not even going to tell you how I came by that. But it was worth it. The look on Snivelly's face...They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Do tell Snivelly I miss him dreadfully.

You'll notice I didn't call him Snivellus, just like you asked! I really am considerate! At least I'm putting forth effort in this relationship. You're obviously not nearly as invested as I am. C'mon, Evans, you gotta give me something to work with! Besides a hat that makes my nose fall off and snarky comments that would fry an iceburg.

As for your plans to 'get back at me'. . . I'm frightened out of my wits. Really I am! What are you gonna do? Release fluffy little bunnies into the boys' dormitory? Hand out coupons for free butterbeer so everyone gets tipsy? Maybe make Snivvy wash his hair? That would mean the end of the world. I don't think his hair's been washed since the last time it rained. Maybe not even then – there's enough grease in his darling little scalp to drive Mcdonald's out of business. The rain would probably slide right off.

(Actually, come to think of it, fluffy little bunnies wouldn't be so bad. We could breed them to unimaginable numbers then release them into Slughorn's classroom, and they could eat all his crystallized pineapple. But the poor bloke might die of grief. . .maybe that's not such a brilliant plan. Scratch that, I'll take the butterbeer coupons.)

Sirius says to tell Marlene: I did practice the Idiot Spell on myself, but the spell went a bit wonky and the next thing I knew I woke up with this gorgeous face. It's obvious who got the looks in this relationship, love. (His words, not mine!)

So which am I in our relationship, my dearest darlingest ex-best-friend? The looks or the brains?

Sincerely,

The one with looks AND brains

Potter,

Your little prank on Sev was definitely NOT funny, NOT clever, and NOT worth it! How is making someone. . .well, you know – how is embarrassing Severus like that entertaining at all? I guess you wouldn't know what it's like. You're trapped in your own little delusional bubble of fantasy where everyone loves you and where what you do is ALWAYS funny. Well, I do hope I'm the one to pop that bubble.

And that's his proper name! Severus! Not Snivellus, not Snivelly.

Anyways. _Severus_ says to tell you he just can't wait to see you. Because when we do, you'll be drenched in hippogriff waste. All part of the plan. I think you might actually respect how audacious it is. It's certainly something you would do. Does that mean I'm actually thinking like you? Oh dear Merlin forbid. . .

But come to think of it, bunnies don't sound bad at all. I mean, think if one wanted to get out of Charms class. Just let them run wild and free in the classroom, because to Flitwick they'd be massive. I daresay he'd be quite distracted. And they'd distract Mcgonagall as well – bring out her feline side. She'd start chasing them and we'd be off scot free. But Dumbledore would probably just look at them and say something wise and philosophical. "You know, students, one's dreams are made out of one's deepest beliefs. The same way a dog that runs after rabbits will dream of rabbits. It's what you do that makes your soul, not the other way around. Ten points to Gryffindor." Or something to that effect. Something relating to souls.

Anyways, someday you'll have to let me in on how you came by that pegasus vomit without getting attacked by rainbow spittle. It's quite handy to have in case you want to slip it into a certain irritating boy's pumpkin juice.

Marlene says to let Sirius know that as he has neither brains nor looks, it evidently can't be a relationship, as she doesn't want the responsibility of bringing both to the table.

Sincerely,

I just can't wait to pop that delusional bubble

**I promise they don't hate each other! They're just eleven year olds who like to tease each other, and who are very protective of their friends. Anyways...I just watched the Doctor Who episode where Rose gets stranded in the parallel universe. I cried absolute buckets. Anyone else ship Rose and the Doctor? Also, Legend of Korra. I want to give it a big fat metaphorical kiss. Mwah.**

**Mistyrious One: Thanks a bundle :)**

** . : Writing makes me more happy than almost anything. Thanks for understanding!**

**Kate882: Cue the warm fuzzies :) Thanks for taking the time!**

**HexMeIntoAHawthorne: I guess you had to wait a while ;) But thanks. It was your review that prompted me to update again.**

**Love, Americanathogwarts.**


	7. Chapter 7: Depressing Ice Cubes

Oops, guess I've muddied up the disclaimer for the last six chappies. My bad. Um...I totes own Harry Potter and his sexy glasses. Which is why I'm on a beach in Maui, sipping a pina colada and updating this from my expensive Macbook, instead of at home eating mac n' cheese, on my dinosaur computer. Totes. (Did I really just say that? Help me, for I have sinned.) Thanks for the wonderful, glorious, beauticiousafull 12 reviews!

Evans,

Well, I didn't intend for the pegasus vomit to do THAT. How was I supposed to anticipate that particular side effect? How does one vomit a pegasus, anyway? It seemed a little large to fit out of his gob. He was probably hiding it in the greasy mop atop his head. Since there's no brains in there, he probably has plenty of room.

There's just no pleasing you, is there? I tried to do as you asked – resisted the irresistible and didn't call him Snivellus. I really AM pulling the weight in this relationship. I ask you if we can at least remain friends, I try to meet you halfway, but you refuse to give me anything. Ah well. Guess I'll go lay this lovelorn heart to rest. Huh, that sounded rather poetic. See? I even write you poetry and I bet you will still reject me.

Hippogriff waste. Sounds intriguing. How are you gonna get ahold of that? I'll tell you how I got the pegasus vomit if you tell me how you got the hippogriff paddies. Do you have to keep bowing and wait for them to drop a load? Do you have to keep eye contact? That could get complicated...if you don't look at where you're picking up the lovely stuff, you could get...er, dirty. And by the way, the rainbow spittle is just part of the fun.

Speaking of meeting halfway, when are you going up to Diagon Alley? For school stuff, I mean. Seems so weird that we got our letters already. Anyways, after all that you said about 'preparing a surprise' for me, I figured you could just get it over with in Diagon Alley rather than the Hogwarts Express. After all, what if the hippogriff waste got all over the snack trolley and we had to starve all the way up to the castle? Peter might go insane and try to eat us, and I'm not sure I could restrain him. Have you seen the boy eat? It's like watching a hungry dragon, a starving manticore, and a famished kneazle all hallucinate and see each other as filet mignon.

Irrelevant. Just, when are you going up to Diagon Alley? I'll try to be around then. And so will Sirius. He's convinced Marlene will be there too. Judging by her last comment, she's in the same predicament as me. You won't contribute to our relationship, and Sirius won't contribute to theirs. It's making me cry worse than that stupid Muggle movie about the staircase, the defiled car and the ship that ran into an ice cube. He says to tell her he can't be expected to cope in such an environment.

Sincerely,

Don't tell anyone I cried during that movie involving the ice cube. How pathetic does that sound?

P.S. Double sincerely,

'I just can't wait to pop that delusional bubble'? Sounds kinda dirty. Maybe I'm NOT the only one bringing anything to this relationship.

Potter,

First of all, don't ever ever never ever in a million billion dinosaur-era years call me 'Lily-liver' ever again. I'd rather remain on a last name basis with you, if you don't mind.

Second. I don't even want to think about that P.S. Just no. Ew, Merlin no.

Third, I'm asking you one more time to stop calling Severus that. It bugs me even more than it does him, and that's saying something. His life's hard enough without toerags like you in it. Leave him alone.

Fourth, yeah, you're as poetic as a single-celled amoeba. You should really pursue that as a career. Write an autobiography. "There once was a boy named James, whose head was so swelled it burst into flames". Ooh, that's quality.

Fifth, my deepest apologies, my source for hippogriff waste is a trade secret. I will tell you, though, it's very, very original. And messy. You do have to keep bowing, and you do have to keep eye contact, and you do have to take a three-hour-long bath afterwards. With tomato juice.

Sixth, I'm actually going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. Let's meet up at Fortescue's. I've got a thing or two to tell you. Including curses. Not of the magical variety either. But for once, I agree with you – first year, and summer, went by extremely fast. I can't believe we're going to be second years! (Well, I will be, frankly I'll be surprised if you passed all your classes.) I've made so many memories. Next year is going to be excellent – and Sev and I are kicking it off with a bit of a bang. Or a dump. Of hippogriff poo. On your overly large head.

Seventh – oh, never mind, this is turning into a very long list. _Also_, I guess you don't remember Peter eating all my food last year. Every day, without fail. He just looked so pitiful and starving that I had to give the poor bloke something. You should let him out of his cage more often to eat.

In addition...I think you're talking about Titanic? That ice cube killed a significant amount of people. Including Jack. I went through an entire box of tissue during his death scene, even if he _was _American. And just for the record, there was plenty of room on that piece of wood! Rose just couldn't be bothered to move her fat buttocks! I won't tell anyone you cried if you don't tell anyone I had to bath for three hours in tomato juice. It's a deal.

Marlene says...well, nothing, actually. She's glaring at me and shaking her head rather fiercely. I think she wants me to tell him she can whip her hair back and forth better than he can.

Sincerely,

I have no idea how one vomits a pegasus, and I don't intend to find out.

Mm, a secret meeting in Diagon Alley. It's not what it sounds like, sadly. Remember they're on the cusp of turning eleven :) But I will get there eventually! Stay with me! Oh, and by the way, anyone madly in love with David Tennant? Or the Killers?

Lady Elizabeth of New York: Bless your heart, cause that lifted mine :)

Guest: Mission accomplished, captain major general sir ma'am!

JessandDarcy: YOU'RE amazing!

Guest: Mission double accomplished!

GoMaraudersandLily and Carachnor: It edited your thanks out last time, so I sent you both a big bouquet of roses. Watch, those will get edited out too. Life hates me.

Hermionelunapotter: You're welcome! So much respect for your profile pic! So. Much. Respect.

DreamingDementor: Very good point, but I'd still probably take the sunburn. And they weren't really best friends, James was just doing that thing where he jokes all the time :)

mezosoup: I think James would as well ;) And isn't it amazing?

Holyheadharpy7: Thanks darlin'. And write more anyways, I need more inspiration haha

hexmeintoahawthorn: I know. I love their personalitites,which I can say without boasting because I didn't actually create them. That was all the goddess JK herself :) And yeah, me too. I worship at the Tenth's alter. I love Legend of Korra. Who do you ship? Makorra, Borra?

Peace out,

Americanathogwarts

P.S. I obviously didn't mean any harm by the 'Jack is American' comment, since I'm American myself. I just have a Brit friend who jokes around about Americans like that. God bless America, and I mean that sincerely :)


	8. Chapter 8: Rampaging Toilets

**Sorry for the absence :) This was a rather complicated chapter to write. Also, I needed time to get over David Tennant regenerating.**

Potter.

Rot in hell.

Very sincerely,

I'm going to kill you.

Evans,

I'm surprised you had the time to write that beautiful letter. I'd have thought you'd be busy washing the stench of toilet out of Snivel's hair. Maybe you shouldn't wash it– I'm sure it's the cleanest his hair has ever been.

Anyways, Mum says I have to apologize. She says I publicly humiliated you and Snapellapellus

with the whole 'making-the-toilets-come-alive-and-chase-you' thing. She says I should promise to never do something like that again. She's also yelling lots of four-letter words, which is kind of amusing, since she's usually so prim and proper. She's given me a right scolding whenever I say any of those.

Back to the subject at hand. I AM sorry about YOU getting chased by the toilets, because it was just supposed to be Snivellicious. I apologize, Lily Evans, for whatever grief those rampaging appliances may have caused you. I did feel really bad, especially when you started crying. It was never supposed to go that far. But I'll make it up to you! I'll be your servant for all of second year! Personal slave, vassal, drudge, etc. I'll do whatever you want. (Within reason, obviously. I'm not about to go try and tame a centaur or anything like that.)

The one thing I'm not sorry about is that it chased Snivelly. The little toerag deserved it. He started it, anyways: The minute he saw me and Sirius talking to you he tried to hex us! You were there, you saw him do it. It wasn't like we were about to attack you either. No, we were just trying to find Marlene for Sirius. We never actually got to see her, what with the rogue toilets scampering up and down the street. Oopsie daisy.

Anyways, feel free to pass any of this on to the toerag. And remember I'm in your service for a year.

Sincerely,

I'm sorry again. By the way, Do you know where the toilets went after they dumped on you? They're still missing.

P.S. Sirius says to tell Marlene to save him a seat next to her on the Hogwarts Express. Guess that means she's sitting in our compartment, because obviously he's not sitting without his best mates.

**I *sincerely* love writing James. He's got a funny sort of personality. Lily's kind of a puzzle for me, but I figured she'd be too angry for words to say much if he made a toilet chase her. The reason she was crying wasn't because she's weak, but because the toilet dumped on her right in front of a certain strapping, handsome young Hufflepuff boy who she fancies. Any guesses?**

**Thanks to:**

**Smileyfacedevil : I love them both! I really couldn't choose. How about you?**

**Hexmeintoahawthorne: Feel free to PM me. I could discuss this all day :D**

**Readinglover866: Thank you.**

**Aquamarine42097: Shanks.**

**Jessanddarcy: I had fun writing that bit!**

**Guest: Haha yeah. Just having fun at the ice cube's expense.**

**Percabethgirl2645: Been there, done that :)**

**Carachnor: I was actually sort of kidding about Maui XD Thanks for all your support!**

**Whatdotheydream: I'm glad you think it's funny – sometimes I'll reread it and wonder why I'm not in an asylum, because I sound crazy.**

**GomaraudersandLily: May I just say, thanks so much for sticking with it!**


	9. Chapter 9: Severus, Secrets and 2nd Year

**I love summer. I went up to two camps in two weeks! It was wonderful. Except I passed out two times in two weeks, which wasn't wonderful. There was also a rattlesnake in my cabin. I have a fear of snakes. Which is why I'm not a Slytherin :D**

**Also: Go check out tha-wanderer's stories! They satisfy my Legend of Korra cravings!**

Dear Marlene,

Things got extremely eventful after you and your mum stopped sleeping over at my house. For one thing, Sev and I had a fight. I know this will probably make you happy, since you've never liked him, but it makes me really sad. He's just as much my friend as you are. I just thought I'd tell you now, because I didn't want to explain once we got back to Hogwarts.

Basically, the reason we're fighting is connected to a certain messy-haired, cretinous twerp, and frankly I'm ashamed to be breathing the same air as him. Yeah, James Potter. Would you believe that he and Black tried to talk to me in Diagon Alley? After I'd made it very clear that I didn't want to talk to him? Anyways, Sev came along looking for me and spotted me talking to Potter and Black, and completely blew his top. I mean, I've never seen him that angry. He tried to hex them and nearly hit me instead, but missed us all completely. Then Potter did something that made the sewers come alive, and they chased me and Sev up and down the whole of Diagon Alley. They only stopped when we were completely drenched in waste and humiliation and had collapsed in front of Gringotts. And guess who came walking out right at that moment?

It's already hard to impress the handsomest boy in school without him seeing you crying and sodden in toilet dregs. Why did Amos Diggory have to walk out right at that moment? WHY? Really, Marlene, the karma gods have it out for me.

At least Potter apologized. He even offered me eternal servitude, which was a nice sentiment although we both know this is another joke of his. But Sev insists that it's not his fault at all. He was trying to protect me from Potter and Black. Since obviously I'm a wet noodle who can barely piss in the loo by herself. Potter and Black weren't even trying to do anything – we were just talking, civilly for once! And then Severus had to come along and try to hex them! I'm not in a good mood.

Sorry to talk your ear off, Marly love. I just needed to vent. Boys! Ruining my life, and I'm not even old enough to date!

Sincerely,

Your miserable, humiliated, and angry best friend, Lily Evans

P.S. Black said he wants to sit next to you on the way up to school. Please say no, because I'm sitting with you and if you sit with him then I have to put up with him too.

P.P.S. I just remembered, the whole purpose of this letter was to ask if you wanted to go up to Platform 9 3/4 together. I can't believe we're going back in just two days!

...8.8.8.

Mary MacDonald:

I'm deeply offended you haven't written me yet. It's probably your scatterbrained blondeness, but still! How could you forget me and Lily, your two best friends?

Even though I'm deeply hurt, I'll be nice and share some tidbits. Life is good, sun is shining, blah blah blah. Lily's fighting with her Slytherin boyfriend. Is it bad that I'm okay with that? I know she's my best friend (and so are you!) but he gives me the creeps. I don't know why she hangs out with him. She's also been owling James Potter all summer! I know she says she hates his guts all the time, but it certainly doesn't look that way. She even met him in Diagon Alley, which she insists is a coincidence, but I can't help but wonder if it was planned...Anyways, I heard Potter got in huge trouble for use of underage magic. But since his dad works for the Auror office, he got out of any trouble at all. As always.

Also, You-Know-Who (not He Who Must Not Be Named. I mean the one who goes to our school who has the face of an angel and the soul of a devil) has been sort of talking to me all summer! I've been dying to tell someone about it but obviously I can't tell Lily. She'd kill me if she found out I fancied Potter's best friend.

I'm not even going to owl her back, since it's the last day of summer. I only owled you to let you know I fancy Black, since I couldn't do it in front of Lils. However much I love her, she wouldn't understand.

Missing you,

Marlene

**Thanks as always, my dearest loves. Just for fun, let's see if we can hit 75 reviews! Pretty please :D Should I do Lily and James's second year also for this story? I'd love to :)**

**Reading Lover 866: Please beta? **

**HexMeIntoAHawthorne: But what girl doesn't enjoy bad boys? Or writers for that matter XD And 11th is fabulous!**

**Mockingjaybird: Prize for guessing right! And thanks for the advice.**

**GoMaraudersAndLily: Prize for guessing right! And yes, I know. He'll show his gitly side in a few chapters...**

**JessAndDarcy: Why thank you!**

**HolyheadHarpy7: Thanks! That was so kind and thoughtful. I love long reviews 3**

**HermioneLunaPotter: My favorite review ever. I just had the funniest mental image of someone sitting in an ancient history class with some boring old teacher droning on about the importance of Byzantium law, and trying to hold in snorts because they were reading about magically malfunctioning toilets.**

**Percabethgirl1645: Me too...Yuck!**

**WhatDoTheyDream: Thank you :)**

**Guest: Why shanks :D Ten is the sexiest alien to ever walk planet Earth. **

**Tha-wanderer: Oh good! I was worried about that...**

**CountingAirplanes: Wowie! Thanks for all the reviews! You're the best! And yes they are going into 2nd year :)**

**redandgoldlions: I love random reviews! Thank you!**

**Love,**

**Americanathogwarts**


	10. Chapter 10: A Smashing Second Year

**Hello you sunshine faced dolls. I love you all. I asked for 75 reviews and you gave me 77! Since this is the tenth chapter, let's see if we can hit 87 reviews :) JK owns all except one line which I shamelessly stole from Mulan.**

Evans!

C'mon! Don't ignore me! If you won't talk to me in person, I'll just owl-spam you.

Sincerely,

Still your indentured servant

**thisisalinebreakcausethestup idprogramalwayseditstheonesi trytodoifyoucanreadthisyouge tacookie**

Potter,

I'll do whatever I want.

Sincerely,

I'm good, thanks for the offer.

**Don'tbotherreadingthisitsjustano therlinebreakandimboredsoimw astingtime**

Evans,

You are currently the only dark spot on a very bright second-year horizon. I WANT TO HAVE FUN, and that's difficult with you wandering about with a face like someone just spit in your bean curd, trying to trip me at every occasion, and ignoring me when we have to team up for Potions. I got an F on that assignment because you wouldn't talk to me. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud? AND WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

Would it kill you to smile?

Sincerely,

You're a twelve year old female student, not a ninety-four year old man who can't smile because of his dentures.

P.S. And the offer still stands. Seriously though. If you ever want a personal slave for anything, I'm open for business. Maybe you want me to do Botox? Would that help you smile?

P.P.S. Also, could you please stop popping your gum in Charms because it's difficult enough to concentrate when you have a friend like Sirius.

P.P.P.S. Did you do the Transfiguration homework yet? Can I borrow it?

**Singthistothetuneofcallmemay beheyyoujustreadmeandthisisc razybutimalinebreaksoskipmem aybe**

Potter,

I do smile. And laugh, and snort rather obnoxiously like a pig when something's REALLY funny. Unfortunately, the only funny thing about you is how you can walk and talk at the same time, so it's quite easy to keep a straight face around you.

Why am I ignoring you? It must be that stunning personality. I'll give you three guesses. Here's a hint: it involves what happened the first day of second year. Guess right and you get a prize!

Sincerely,

You're a twelve-year old baboon, not a normal second-year Hogwarts student.

P.S. Marlene won't stop bugging me. So I guess tell Sirius hi.

P.P.S. Now that I've explained will you PLEASE leave me alone?

P.P.P.S. Yes I finished it, yes you may borrow it. I sent it with the letter.

**Sorry for the line break madness. Someone mentioned it was difficult to distinguish between the letters, so I'm trying to fix that...**

**And, unfortunately, I don't have the time/energy/patience to mention my beloved reviewers anymore. School's starting back up and I'm going a lil' crazy. So know that always and forever:**

**I love and appreciate you all.**

**americanathogwarts**


	11. Chapter 11: Crossdressing and Creativity

** Welp, I'm slow at updating, because Nutella is far more exciting and school more time consuming. But wow! 96 reviews! (That was the reason for the Nutella, I danced around my room while eating it). Lets see if we can hit 105 and this Whovian/Potterhead/Avatard will be a very happy camper.**

EVANS.

Being a natural troublemaker myself, I can't help but admire the creativity that went into what you just did. Hexing your own homework? I didn't think perfect, punctual, punctilious, playing-it-safe Lily Evans would ever stoop that low.

In other news, my hair is still bombshell blonde, my lips still resemble scarlet puffy balloons, my cheeks look as if I lost a fight with a tube of red paint, and there's enough mascara on my eyelashes to retar a road. Also, does this dress have a Permanent Sticking Charm on it? I can't get it off. Although it does flatter my figure. I think I'll keep it on.

In all my year-and-one-week career as one of the four unofficial Hogwarts Harlequins, I never stumbled across whatever spell you used on your homework. How did touching it turn me into a girl? Admittedly there are, ahem, a few things missing, but at least on the outside I have all the appearance of a TOWIE off to one of her favorite bars. This dress is so short I had to have Sirius hem it. It's not a pleasant experience, having Sirius that close to you with a needle and scissors. But there was no way I was letting him do that with magic!

Pray tell, fair Evans, what possessed you to hex your homework? I do hope it was nothing that I, your faithful servant, did to vex you. Because Godric knows we wouldn't want fair Evans to be vexed.

Thanks for the homework. I'm deciding to take my fortune cookie's advice and see the silver lining. Joke's on you, I'm going to keep your homework and copy it, word for word, and you can't do anything about it without being accused of abuse of cross-dressing powers.

Sincerely,

That little red mark on the left of the word sincerely is lipstick. Because mine won't rub off and I thought you should see how effective your work was.

P.S. Sirius is surprised Marlene is talking to him after he tried to throw her in the lake.

P.P.S. Obviously I'm not going to leave you alone.

P.P.P.S. What did I do NOW?

**onlyonelinebreakthistimemydo gdaisywontleavemealoneshesab oxerandcuteasabuttonbutsmell sfunnyiloveheranywaysandnute lla**

Dearest Indentured Servant Who I Don't Want, or DISWIDW for short,

Thanks for thinking it was creative, but I can't help but see a pattern here. Whenever you touch something I send you, Lily laughs and DISWIDW sits in a corner and cries. Remember the Chudley Cannons hat? Fool you once, shame on me, fool you twice, shame on you.

It was a wrench giving you my homework, but I rather thought it was worth it. Especially since I figured you would try to copy it anyways and decided to write an entertaining little tale about a bunny in a supermarket instead. Enjoy.

As for what you did NOW, I already told you – think back to our first day of second year and I'm sure it will just...drop on you from the sky.

The dress doesn't have a Permanent Sticking Charm on it, you're just stupid and don't know it goes over your head and not over your hips.

In answer to the question you asked me repeatedly (in spite of the fact I didn't answer you) earlier today, no, Severus and I have not picked a date for the wedding. In fact, because of you, we still aren't speaking. I heard you call yourself a good and loyal friend once. Maybe that's to help you compensate for the fact that you ruin other peoples' relationships.

Sincerely,

Hogwarts Harlequins is really the best name you can think of for your stupid little posse?

P.S. That's precisely what Marlene wishes to discuss. She forgives him but wants to tell him in person. Tell him to meet her on top of the Astronomy Tower at four p.m. tomorrow.

P.P.S. What if I order you as my indentured servant, will you leave me alone then?

**How many of you would like to see James Potter in a dress? **

**I'm aware that TOWIES probably didn't exist but for the sake of a funny line, restrain your indignation and just laugh at my stupidity.**

**Thanks to my brand-new Highlighted Reviewer, life1428, for the most reviews! I'll do one Highlighted Reviewer a chapter because I miss thanking all y'alls. Whoever leaves me the most, the funniest, or the most interesting review (depending on my mood) will get a mention.**

**Toodles,**

**americanathogwarts **


	12. Chapter 12: Gryffindor Goonies

**School sucks. And a certain guy at my school kind of does too. Pity he's adorable. Ah well. I'll wear my best party dress and look fabulous anyways. So he can see what he's missing.**

Evans,

Listen, I'm sorry about Snivellocity not speaking to you, but that's not really my problem. Anyways, why would you want him to? He must spray you with slime every time he opens his mouth. Speaking of slime – that jogs my memory. I remember why you're mad at me now! But how could I help it if me and Sirius just wanted to forestall your plan of dumping hippogriff poop all over us? It was a precautionary measure really. By stuffing your overhead compartment full of hippogriff poop, you were unable to complete your dastardly deed, so our mission was a success.

Remus Lupin finally intervened with my wardrobe malfunction. He got the dress and makeup off, and my hair is deflated again. I must say I miss the dress a little. It was so nice and silky and felt like sunshine on my nether regions. For such a quiet bloke, Remus sure is interesting. I didn't get to know him that well last year, but he's our friend now. Very mysterious. And serious. And he leaves his underwear on the floor. But he has this mischievous side that's extremely entertaining if you can coax it out.

Oh, I just remembered the reason for this letter. Since we have to do that stupid Transfiguration project together, you kind of have to start talking to me. Actually talking, not pouring squid brains on me accidentally-on-purpose. That doesn't count as interaction. Go relearn your social skills, Evans.

As I said before...darling greasy Sevvy isn't my problem. So what if you're having marital tiffs? You can still talk to me. You're missing out. I'm pretty awesome. Did you see me catch that Snitch in tryouts?

Sincerely,

Just talk to me. It's harder to bug you when you don't respond.

P.S. Sirius said to tell Marlene thanks for levitating him into the lake when he went up to meet her on the Astronomy Tower. He still isn't dry and would kindly like to know what in the name of sweet Merlin possessed her to do that.

P.P.S. I rather liked Hogwarts Harlequins as a nickname. How about Gryffindor Goonies?

P.P.P.S. I actually did enjoy the story about the bunny in the supermarket. I cried tears of rainbows and moonlight when Fluffers found the spinach at last.

**BoysarestupidandruinmylifeIh adadateforhomecomingandthenh edecideditwasn'tgoingtoworksoyourstrulyisgo ingstagwithherbestgirlfriend s**

Potter,

How is it not your problem? It's completely your fault Sev and I aren't speaking to each other. Those abominable toilets...

How about a deal? Once he and I are friends again, I'll start talking to you. Maybe it'll even be in time to do our Transfiguration project. Now it's your problem.

And whoop de doo, I'm glad you remember the hippogriff poop incident. You'll be getting comeuppance for that shortly. That's also the reason why Marlene threw Sirius in the lake, by the way. Your lovely gift got all over her hair. I think that's how they flirt, though. Get poo in each others' hair and throw each other in the lake. Seems completely logical to me.

Thanks for all the details about Remus. I'm sure your friend would be thrilled to hear you talking about how he leaves his knickers lying about. I could have gone my whole life without hearing that snippet of information.

Sincerely,

Strangely enough I miss not responding to you when you're annoying me. I came up with some truly excellent one line responses that I couldn't use.

P.S. Gryffindor Goonies. I really, really, really, truly, completely hate it.

P.P.S. Remember the deal. Once Severus and I are friends, I'll talk to you again. It probably won't be kind. But it will be words coming out of my mouth.

**Kind of a semi-ish important chapter next. **

Highlighted Reviewer: Lady Elizabeth of York. **Well, I would have had to mention sixteen separate reviewers, and what with all the crap in my life I simply don't have time. EVERYONE, PLEASE NOTE THAT I LOVE YOU ALL UNEQUIVOCALLY. That being said I'm glad you enjoyed :)**

** Sorry, peeps. It's been a bugger of a week. Hopefully next update I'll be free from the curses that are writers' block and PMS. **

** 112 reviews, baby. That makes me happy. Can we shoot for 120? Or over. That's okay too :D**

** Don't let the Muggles get you down.**

** Americanathogwarts**


	13. Chapter 13: Letters and Lies

**Welp. I got nothing to say. Enjoy! And eat some chocolate chip cookies! Studies have shown that 99% of those who eat chocolate chip cookies are alive.**

Dear Lily,

Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was an idiot. A pompous, prudish prat with my head full of rotten mayonnaise. You're the best friend I ever had, and I can't bear to lose you. Can you please forgive me? And let things go back to normal? Because you light up my life like Lumos lights up the corridors of Hogwarts at night.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.S. I want to emphasize again that I was a poor excuse for even an invertebrate baboon in the way I treated you.

**JustwatchedBonQuiQuishemakes mylifeWelcometoKingBurgerwec andoityowaybutdontgetcrazy**

Oi, Snape:

Lily is going to talk to you tomorrow. Because she thinks you sent her an apology letter. Just go along with it and don't ask questions if you want to be her friend again. You owe me big time.

Ever so sincerely,

Just follow the trails of sexy if you want to know who I am.

Potter,

Sev apologized. Let's get to work on that Transfiguration partner essay. I keep my promises.

Sincerely,

Lily

Evans,

Wow, did he really? Never would have guessed he had the mental capacity. But I suppose even snakes have their surprises.

You want to Transfigure something? Let's work a little magic, you and me, Evans. Insert winky-face here.

Sincerely,

Hogwarts Hooligans isn't working for you? How about the Mooning Marauders? In honor of our upcoming January prank. Stay tuned, Hogwarts.

**Yes, yes I am terrible at plot twists. Gee, anyone wanna guess who sent the apology letter? But some important stuff happened :) Keep a weather eye on the horizon for the next chappie, me hearties!**

**Carachnor is the hilighted reviewer, for being the only one of you I know in real life. Thanks dude. You're always there for me :) **


	14. Chapter 14: Pukety Pukety Puke

**What's this? An update? BEFORE SEVEN MONTHS HAVE PASSED?**

**Haha. But really, I'm sorry I'm so terrible at updates. Here you are. I thought this one was actually fairly funny :)**

Potter,

Haven't you done enough pranks this year? I really think you've filled up your quota. If quotas could puke, yours would be puking up pranks. Actually, many of your stupid little escapades seem to have involved puking. Puking up cats, puking up tree branches, puking up chocolate...okay, nobody minded the last one, especially since it was chocolatey chocolate and not pukey chocolate.

Anyways, my point is, stop teasing me in Transfiguration because you're not funny and your prank on Flitwick was really uncalled for (really, making the poor man puke up ELEPHANTS when he's barely big enough to puke up normal puke).

Sincerely,

Please tell me that comment about wasn't an innuendo. The word innuendo is bigger than you are.

P.S. Mooning Marauders. THAT made me puke. It made me puke real puke.

**JasonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJ asonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJa sonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJas onMrazJasonMrazJasonMraz**

Evans,

That letter will forever go down in history as the letter containing the greatest number of the word 'puke'. Thirteen is fairly excessive. Also, it's an unlucky number in the Zoroastrianism religion. Somewhere a kitten just puked itself to death. Because of you, Evans. BECAUSE OF YOU.

In penance you must drink only cucumber juice saturated with eel spleen for three days, then kill your best friend. Oh, and you have to do my potions homework.

Always remember it was because of you that a kitten died. BECAUSE OF YOU.

Sincerely,

Crying my eyes out over a kitten. BECAUSE OF YOU.

P.S. Well that was a rude comment. I'm the perfect height for my weight, Evans. I'm telling Professor McGonagall that you're bullying me.

P.P.S. No Mooning Marauders? How about Mustached Marauders? In honor of our February prank.

P.P.P.S. Did you really ask if we've done enough pranks? That's like asking if Sirius doesn't hide under your bed at night. He tells me it's filthy and asks if you would kindly clean it. Thank you.

**JasonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJ asonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJa sonMrazJasonMrazJasonMrazJas onMrazJasonMrazJasonMraz because I went to his concert and it was A to the mazing. **

**Please review :) I'd love to hit 30! Glad you all like it.**

**Highlighted Reviewer: GoMaraudersAndLily, because their penname is sweet and they're one of my most faithful, oldest reviewers! Thanks dude/ma'am/sir/captain/Grandmaster!**

**Love,**

**americanathogwarts **


	15. Chapter 15: Ginger Sorority

**I have free time! For once. I also have a large bowl of peppermint ice cream. I freaking love Christmas. Also, I love Black Widow/Hawkeye shipping. I don't know why. BUT I DO. And I love you guys!**

Potter,

You're the one who decided I would kill a kitten. I had no choice in the matter. Now somewhere a kitten lies dead. BECAUSE OF YOU.

By the way, it's all your fault that you have detention Saturday. Nice try trying to blame me though. It was completely your fault that Lucius Malfoy erupted in boils. Not that he didn't deserve it. But just because we sit at the same table in Potions definitely does NOT mean we're partners in crime. Not even partners of anything. Well, maybe Potions partners, but that was completely involuntary – I'm pretty sure Slughorn has it out for me because he made me sit with you.

Sincerely,

Why in the name of sanity would you ask me what your name should be? I'll just tell you now, it would most likely involve swearwords or a passing reference to puke.

P.S. "In penance you must drink only cucumber juice saturated with eel spleen for three days, then kill your best friend." Penance for what? What kind of crime merits that? I happen to be allergic to cucumber juice. Also, I thought you told me you were my best friend. Does that mean I get to kill you?

**RIPAmandaToddmayyoubehappier inthenextworld:(thischapterisdedicatedtoherm emory**

Evans,

I don't really know what my detention is. Probably helping Sluggy curl his mustache. We're using his magnificent facial hair as a template for our February Mustached Marauders prank. But the detention's completely worth it: now dear Lucius can't sit, stand, open his mouth, or breathe without rupturing one of his lovely boils. Well, okay, he can breathe. And puke. But he can't poop. BEST. REVENGE. EVER.

We're having you choose our name because it's kind of a sort of test. If you can choose the best name, you get to help us plan our Halloween prank. It's kind of a big deal. Like, fanny packs and mushrooms level big deal.

Slughorn loves you, by the way. He's probably just excited to meet a fellow ginger. Soon he'll ask you to join a Ginger Sorority, and you guys can make friendship bracelets and plan how to takeover the world. Then you can make the Unbreakable Vow to never ever dye your hair (although he seems to already be losing his).

He'll be your new best friend. He'll replace me conveniently, so you have to kill him instead of me.

Sincerely,

Imagine how many detentions you'd get for killing a teacher.

**Just be nice. Smile at someone who maybe doesn't seem like smiling themselves. Amanda Todd's death was tragic. She made some poor choices, but no one deserves to die like that. **

**On a happier note, thanks for all the reviews! I don't do this for the reviews, I do it cause it makes me happy, but they do give me a fuzzy feeling on the bottom of my feet. Oh wait. I'm wearing fuzzy socks. Time to go sliding about like a ninja. Cheers!**

**Oh wait, Highlighted Reviewer is HolyheadHarpy7, because she (he?) seems like a lovely individual and I love their profile pic! HAPPY WEEKEND!**


	16. Chapter 16: Solidarity

Potter,

I have had it up to HERE with your stupid jokes about me having red hair. You and your stupid Marauder friends or whatever you call yourselves can stuff it.

Sincerely,

redheaded and proud

**linebreak**

Dear redheaded and proud,

So you think 'Marauders' is a good name? Seconded. James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin are officially known as the Marauders now.

And who said I was joking about your luscious carroty red hair? I think it's bodacious. I'm pretty sure it would shine in the darkness. And put any tomato soup to shame. If you and I were ever stuck alone in the freezing Arctic wilderness without warmth or magic (unlikely, I grant you, since I'm HOT and we would never be without warmth) your flaming head would warm us right up. In fact, I am so enamored of your brilliant tresses that as a show of solidarity, the Marauders and I are going to color all the teachers' hair red tomorrow.

You're not alone, Lily. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for other gingers like you. A bright red light.

Sincerely,

I kind of wish I was a redhead now.

**So. This isn't supposed to be bullying at all. Actually, I'm strawberry blonde (with more strawberry) my brother's a bright redhead, and so is me mum. I love gingers! Yayyyy gingers!**

**Highlighted Reviewer is Trivial Pursuit. Because they're awesome.**

**Love,**

**HogwartsHarpist**


	17. Chapter 17: Volcanoes and Valentines

**Junior year. Dun dun dun. I got a boyfriend guys! He requires time and energy, much like cultivating mushrooms, so sorry I've disappeared. Review!**

Evans,

When I said I wanted to be a redhead, I was being ironic. I didn't mean hex me in my sleep so that a hedge of curly red locks would spring out of my head. I didn't mean make it permanent, so that I have to spend three days in the Hospital Wing getting my head shaved and waiting for the Hair Regrowth Potion to take effect. And I CERTAINLY didn't mean for you to take pictures and show all your friends. A bald James Potter, although still the sexiest thing on Earth, is not to be laughed at. I may not have my hair, but I HAVE MY DIGNITY.

One good thing about the Hospital Wing though. It means I get out of schoolwork, since I swore Madame Pomfrey to secrecy and the teachers all think I have some sort of chronic illness. So would you be a doll and do my homework for me? Thanks, my darling volcano-head.

Sincerely,

This Hair Regrowth Potion is making my nose itch.

**Linebreakdundundunnnn**

Potter,

Volcano-head? I'll show you volcano-head.

Sincerely,

It's not just your nose that's going to itch.

**Ispywithmylittleeyealinebrea k**

Evans,

You are diabolical. Switching the Hair Regrowth Potion for Essence of Greek Fire? My head is literally on fire as I write this. It doesn't burn me, but it's tickling unbearably. I look like a human volcano. You've put poor Madam Pomfrey at her wits' end: of course she has a cure, but whenever she tries to put up a curtain around me to let the other patients get some rest from the light, the curtains catch fire. It's rather distracting.

Speaking of which, it must be infinitely easier for you to focus now that I'm not in the room. I don't know why you don't just admit how distracting I am to you. Miss me much? Just in case your longing for me is becoming unbearable, I sent you a gift.

Sincerely,

I hope you like roses.

**Heylooky'allit'salinebreak**

Potter,

Why do red roses shoot out of my schoolbag every time I open it? Now THAT'S distracting. Everyone thinks I have some sort of confused flower-launching Cupid in there. I don't even like roses. But everyone seems to think they're romantic. Romantic – my foot. The dratted things are studded with thorns. How is that remotely romantic? Stabbing yourself everytime you touch them...that certainly seems the way to make someone love you. No wonder they're red. It's because of the blood spilt to cut the stupid things.

Sincerely

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't remove the curse and I'll hex you.

**Hehe. Mr. Mushroom Boyfriend got me roses for Valentines Day. I actually really like roses. So nothing personal if that's your favorite flower...Lily's just rather contrary.**


	18. Chapter 18: Witty Comebacks

**Hello lovelies,**

**I hope you all haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Some crazy things happened in my life, things I did not foresee, so I apologize:)**

**Please review! I'm a struggling author who has a wife and kids and a mortgage and I need the money. (Totally kidding, I'm not an author and I'm a childless seventeen year old girl who lives with her parents. Plus I don't think you can get money from this. Anybody got any info on that?)**

Potter,

Enclosed is a list of comebacks to all the pickup lines you tried to use on me Valentines Day. Please enjoy.

Sincerely,

It's not my fault I need an extra day to think of comebacks.

**The following paper was enclosed in Lily Evans' letter to James Potter.**

**James: Where have you been all my life?**

**Lily: Hiding from you.**

**J: Is this seat empty?**

**L: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.**

**J: Hey gorgeous, what's your sign?**

**L: Do not enter.**

**J: I would go to the ends of the world for you.**

**L: But would you stay there?**

**J: Your eyes, they're amazing.**

**L: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.**

**J: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?**

**L: About as much as when you got kicked out of Hell.**

**J: "I can tell that you want me."**

**L: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."**

**J: Go out with me, Evans?**

**L: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.**

**And my personal favorite,**

**J: I would go to the ends of the earth for you.**

**L: Good, you can stay there!**

**-linebreak-**

Evans,

I gave the list to Sirius so he can be prepared for any and all comebacks girls may give him. I got all my pickup lines from him - and he got all his pickup lines from a self-help book about talking to women. Obviously that book needs to be edited.

But no matter. I'm sure I can snag you with my masculine charms and manly musk. Certainly it won't be difficult. After all, it seems that the only skill needed to worm into your heart is to be a complete and utter greasy-nosed cad. (Remus taught me the word 'cad' last night in a Muggle game called Boggle. The highest scoring word was 'legume').

Anyways, I hope you come watch the Quidditch game tomorrow. We're playing Hufflepuff. Our captain, Merida from fifth year, has a deep and abiding grudge against the Hufflepuff captain, Amos Diggory. But I'm convinced that when girls pretend to hate a bloke, they actually are ensared helplessly in the mad throes of passion for them. (At least, that seems to be the case with you and I). We're sure to win. Not just 'cause I'm on the team, but also because Sirius infested all their bloomers with Itching Powder. They'll be falling off their brooms.

Since you so kindly enclosed a gift for me in your last letter, I'm sending along some complimentary Gryffindor merchandise for you to wear tomorrow. Well - it's not really stuff showing your support of Gryffindor. More like showing your support of one of its Chasers.

Sincerely,

Enjoy the perfume.

**_l_i_n_e-b_r_e_a_k_**

Potter,

You have your own line of perfume? Really? I made a list of all the reasons why this disturbs me.

1. It's called Earthworm. Earthworm by James Potter.

2. It smells like the fecal matter of a diseased bovine.

3. Why on earth did you produce your own perfume? What kind of guy DOES that? {hehe slight dig at Justin Bieber. Carry on.}

Also, the sweater you sent me with your repulsive face on it is too large. The scarf is covered in mothballs. And why in the name of Gryffindor did you send me commemorative china? I'm twelve, not a seventy-six year old hoarder.

Honestly, if I thought I could survive, I think I'd rather support Hufflepuff. But as it is I think Marlene might stab me in my sleep. She's a die-hard.

Sincerely,

Closet Hufflepuff supporter.

P.S. I'm torn between reporting the Itching Powder incident to McGonagall, or informing the Huffs so that they can repay in kind.

**K so basically I love pickup lines, they melt me like butter in the Sahara. Tell me your favorite pickup lines to make my day 3**

**Thanks to HolyHeadHarpy7, GoMauraudersandLily, Littlemissbrit, that one awesome guest who totes made my life, and lightningstrikesonce. You guys are awesome...please don't forget me:)**

**sincerely**

**hogwartsharpist**


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